Helping Tweens/Teens Stretch, rather than rebel
There are some really important things happening in the brain of kids going through puberty; in fact a massive reorganization is occurring behind or within the seams. As a part of this process of becoming, a new brain and a new body for adulthood, there is a major part of the brain that is activated; independent thinking. This part of the brain is desiring input!
Their brains are needing to be stretched, to be given wider boundaries to grow “strong neighborhoods” a.k.a neural networks. One of the ways that we can nourish our kids during this phase is actually to stretch them! To stretch their independent thinking and being capacity. In a society that is often resistant to allow “roaming” or other independent activities that many of us grew up with we are creating kids who either rebel or feel really anxious and stunted.
We all want to raise kiddos who will feel confident in themselves and in their ability to be out in the world and to generally take care of themselves, when the leave home. The process of creating these types of adults begins NOW in the puberty years of 10-17.
I know it’s hard to make that leap in our own brains and begin to see how our kids, who were just a baby a blink of an eye ago, are transforming before our eyes. I mean they still seem SO young and immature. How many times do you still have to remind them to do basic things like doing their homework and personal hygiene?
there are probably responsibilities and freedoms that your kiddo may not seem ready for; however, When we gift them these responsibilities and freedoms we allow them to stretch into the wider net we have created rather than rebel against one that feels to small for them; or shrink into fear and anxiety.
For many of us this isn’t even a conscious thing. We just literally may not have thought about how to support their stretching.
One way to support them taking over things, like making their own appointments is the three step process you may have used when there were toddlers. In this example let’s say they are need a hair cut appointment. The first time you will want them to be in the room with you while you make the call so they see how it’s done, the second time you will have them make the call while you are the witness and by the third time they are doing it for themselves.
we are nourishing their development with each and every freedom.
Consciously granting them greater freedom and encouraging responsibilities also allows them to mess up in the safety of their home and to learn from these mess ups. So what does this look like and at what age? In reality there isn’t an age chart as each kiddo is so different. What may stretch one may feel to overwhelming to another. Conversations around this change with them are important so that there can be feedback and encouragement. It’s all about stretching them allowing them to feel like it’s a bit of a “jump” (it maybe for you too).
You might want to make a list of all the things that they will need to be doing on their own before they leave the house i.e. cooking, laundry, making appointment, managing money, time management, communication skills, how to support their own health and wellness, etc. and start having conversations around what you feel they are ready to take on. When we allow them to ride the bus themselves to a friends, earn some pocket money, manage their own debit card and budget, this is nourishing this aspect of the brain and their development. What we find is when we don’t allow this nourishment we either get kids who rebel or the opposite those who feel stunted and afraid to do the simple things in life.
Now this doesn’t mean your daughter will always be excited to take some of these things on, in fact she may feel nervous to pop into a store and grab a few things while you are in the store next-door doing another errand. The fact is that we are broadening the net for them to grow into rather than pushing up against it all the time.
Where else can this show up in your parenting? Here are some questions to ask yourself.
What life skills do you wish you would have left the house with that you can bring into your parenting?
What life skills did you leave your house with that you are ready to start teaching your kid?
What are you doing for them that they can start doing for themselves?
How can they support the family unit more?
What are they desiring more freedom or responsibility around? It would be great to ask them this question!
Do You Wish Your kiddo came with a guidebook?
This guide doesn’t contain the “perfect path or way to parent” because each of our children and their paths in life are different! Instead it seeks to uncover, discover, guide you and give you a heap of useful information and really SIMPLE ways to support you and your daughter.